Angry Birds 2

 

If you think that you like angry birds, think again...

Angry Birds 1

 

They are now teaching how to play angry birds at school.
..on a math subject.

Learning Numbers

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack, then A Queen..."

Tagalog usapan jokes

Here's a collection of tagalog conversations guaranteed to make you laugh:

~*~*~

Maid1: Amo ko galante. Lagi nagbibigay ng pera't damit lalo na pag wala si ma'am
Maid2: Amo ko kuripot. Sabay kami mag-shower para tipid daw sa tubig.

~*~*~

MISTER: wala akong tulog dahil naiisip ko P500K na utang ko kay pare.
MISIS: madali yan! Tawagan mo si pare, sabihin mong hindi ka
makakabayad sa utang mo para siya naman ang hindi makatulog!

~*~*~

JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.
JEEP DRIVER: saan galing?
JEEP PASSENGER: sa akin.
JEEP DRIVER: papunta saan?
JEEP PASSENGER: sayo.

~*~*~

Maid: Naku, ate! Pinatungan ako kagabi nu'ng magnanakaw!
Amo: E, bakit di ka sumigaw?
Maid: Akala ko si sir eh... Pero nu'ng naka-dalawa na siya, doon na ako nag duda!

~*~*~

Amo: Inday, titira dito ang biyenan ko ng 3 buwan. Ito ang listahan
ng mga favorite nyang pagkain.
Maid: Opo, sir.
Amo: Kapag may niluto ka dyan, lagot ka sa akin!

~*~*~

Mrs: Naniniwala ka ba na ang babae habang tumatanda ay gumaganda?
Mr: Oo naman.
Mrs: Sa tingin mo, gumaganda ba ako?
Mr: Sa tingin ko, hindi ka tumatanda.

~*~*~

Son: Itay, pinagalitan ako ng titser ko!
Dad: Bakit?
Son: Hinalikan ko po ang seatmate ko.
Dad: Tong anak ko, manang mana. Hehehe. Eh, masarap ba?
Son: Opo, pogi po sya eh...

~*~*~

Lasing: Hoy! Sinong matapang?! Labas!
Lalake: Ako! Bakit? Lalaban ka?!
Lasing: Pare, ihatid mo naman ako sa bahay, natatakot ako kay misis eh.

~*~*~

Tatay: Asensado na talaga ang anak natin sa US. Ito, nagpadala ng
picture, nakasandal sa kotse. Basahin mo nga ang nakasulat sa likod.
Nanay: Inay, nagpapasalamat ako, kasi, kung hindi dahil sa kotse na
ito, natumba na ako sa sobrang gutom.

~*~*~


If you have more to share feel free to share it here.
Share a joke, Share a smile. :)

A filipino ghost story

May dalawang kaluluwang nag uusap sa sementeryo.
pagod na sila sa pagala-gala at pananakot sa sepulturerong sanay na sa takot.
hindi na nila kayang takutin, kaya nagtsikahan na lang sila.


GHOST 1: pre, kung bubuhayin tayo ulit ni LORD, ano ang gusto mong maging?

GHOST 2: I want to be a soldier pre.

GHOST 1: pre, galing ka na sa kamatayan, gusto mo pang maging sundalo? eh madali kang mapapatay ng mga kalaban.


GHOST 2: ganon ba? O sige, gusto ko na lang maging "kalaban" ng sundalo. hehe ikaw nga pala, ano ang ikinamatay mo?


GHOST 1: ALAK!


GHOST 2: aaah, nagkasakit ka sa atay?


GHOST 1: hindi! nuong buhay pa ako at lasing minsan, sabi ko sa metro bar,

"lahat ng gustong uminom, umorder lang!"

umorder naman ang mga lasenggo dun.


GHOST 2: aaah, nasobrahan ka sa alak, inatake ka sa puso?

GHOST 1: hindi. ng dumating na ang bill, at libo-libo ang halaga sabi ko,

"lahat ng gustong magbayad ng ininom natin, mag ambag-ambag na!"


GHOST 2: aaah, nagalit sila at ginulpi ka hanggang mapatay?

GHOST 1: hindi. nagbayad naman sila pero ipinakasumpa-sumpa ako na,

"mamamatay ka rin." kaya siguro ako namatay.



GHOST 2: Ahaha! kung di ka lang patay. Mapapatay kita. ang kulit!



GHOST 1: Teka pre, ikaw ba anong ikinamatay mo?

GHOST 2: Wag na mahabang kwento...

GHOST I: ok lang may time naman ako, to listen.



GHOST 2: Asawa ko ang dahilan. malas ako sa naging misis ko!

nuong nabubuhay pa ako, madalas siyang nagpupunta sa nightclub.


GHOST 1: aba, lasengga! may nambastos sa kanya? napaaway ka at napatay ka?

GHOST 2: hindi pre, gabi gabi siyang nagpupunta sa nightclub para kaladkarin akong pauwi.


GHOST 1: aaah, kalaunan hindi na siya nakatiis at napatay ka niya sa kunsumisyon?

GHOST 2: hindi, nanaginip ako minsan at ginising niya ako.
sabi: "nagsasalita ka sa pagtulog at me kinakausap kang GLORIA ang pangalan. taga nightclub sya ano?"
ang sagot ko naman: "Pinagbabawalan mo na nga kaming magkita, hanggang sa panaginip ayaw mo pang makausap ko sya?"


GHOST 1: aaah, nabuking ka ni misis na me kabit, kaya tinigok ka?

GHOST 2: hindi, nag file siya ng annulment at nag away kami sa attorney's fee.


GHOST 1: aaah, hindi kayo nagkasundo sa hatian sa attorney's fee kaya nauwi sa madugong patayan?

GHOST 2: hindi. nalaman ko na libre pala ang bayad nya sa abogado kasi boyfriend na pala nya.


GHOST 1: ayuuun, nainsulto ka at napatay mo yung lawyer, nakulong ka at nabitay for murder.

GHOST 2: hindi pare. kinumpronta ko yung lawyer para makaganti.
sinabi ko na: "iyong-iyo na ang asawa ko tutal nasabi na naman nya sa akin na hindi ka na tinatayuan ng bandila."
siya ang nainsulto at binaril ako sa tiyan.



GHOST 1: Shocking pala ang lovelife mo at sa baril ka pa namatay...



GHOST 2: hindi. naisugod ako sa ospital. naalala ko nga nung inoperahan ako. Putlang-putla na ako sa dami ng dugong nawala sa akin.

sabi ng doktor: "parang takot na takot ka?"

sagot ko: "dok, first time ko ho na ooperahan."

sabi nya: "Huwag kang mag alala, first time ko rin mag opera. kaga-graduate ko lang."


GHOST 1: inakupo! sumabalay siguro ang duktor, kaya nalagutan ka rin ng hininga ano?

GHOST 2: hindi sya sumablay. Nakiusap lang ako na sana wag akong magaya sa iba na naiiwanan ng gasa sa loob ng tiyan.
sabi ng duktor: "Huwag kang mag-alala, marami kaming gasa dito sa ospital."




GHOST 1: ayuuun, nainis ka sa doktor at ayaw mo ng magpa opera sa kanya. nagpalipat ka sa ibang ospital at sa biyahe ka namatay?

GHOST 2: hindi. natuloy ang operasyon at nabuhay ako!



GHOST 1: teka, akala ko ba asawa mo ang dahilan kaya ka namatay?

GHOST 2: Siya nga! Yumaman na siya sa piling ng abogado at nagkaroon ng marangyang buhay.
Mansyon at magarang kotse at nasagasaan niya ako
ayun nabalian ako ng buto sa paa. hindi naman sinasadya.




GHOST 1: At na ospital ka na naman, naoperahan na naman, nakaligtas na naman pero natetano siguro sa bakal na brace sa paa kaya ka namatay di ba?

GHOST 2: hindi. namatay ako nuon ding masagasaan niya.

GHOST 1: nabalian lang ng paa namatay na? aaah, siguro naubusan ka ng dugo dahil hindi agad naisugod sa ospital?



GHOST 2: hindi. pagkasagasa sa akin, nabagok ulo ko sa semento. PATAY!


GHOST 1: Ah Mahabang kwento nga...
GHOST 2: Sabi sayo eh. kulit mo kasi!

LOL

DOTA or Girlfriend?

Because of DOTA they have been neglected.

Girlfriends all over the globe on strike!

The Confession

Ernie could not focus at work as he was bothered by his conscience for having an affair with his secretary and couldn’t live with himself having such a nice and loyal wife.

He went home early to confess and ask his wife for forgiveness…

Do you think his wife would ever forgive him?

XD

Missing Jimmy

Chickie finally found her long lost brother...

15 Seconds of fame

and your 15 seconds of fame starts now...

don't even think of eating that...

Police - Sissyness

Yes, even big girls do cry...

Retard Cat

Retard cats - funnier than normal cats.

Want one?

Bantayan ang mga misis

Nalasing sa bar ang magkumare. Pag-uwi, dumaan sila sa sementeryo at umihi.

Ginamit ni mare#1 na pampunas ang kanyang panty, na itinapon niya pagka tapos.

Nakakita si mare#2 ng bulaklak sa nitso at iyon ang ipinampunas niya.

Kinabukasan, nagkita ang mga mister ng magkumare.

Sabi ni pare#1,"Bantayan natin ang mga misis natin. Kagabi, umuwi ang asawa ko na walang panty!"

Sabi naman ni pare#2, "Mas grabe ang asawa ko, pare! May card na nakadikit sa puwet niya at ang sabi
"WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU; FROM ALL THE GUYS AT THE POLICE STATION"

XD

How to get in heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her:
"Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
"This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."


The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.


About two years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today.
I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.


"Czechoslovakia..."



(O_O)

Teacher Translations

What the teacher says and what the teacher means.

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).

LOL

Top 10 __ Ka ba? Kasi __.

1. Bagyo ka ba? Kasi the moment you left my area of responsibility, you left my heart in a state of calamity.
2. Remote control ka ba? Kasi kahit malayo ka, you can turn me on.
3. Perlas ka ba? Kasi gusto kitang sisirin eh.
4. Vocal coach ka ba? Kasi pinapataas mo nota ko eh!
5. Tae ka ba? Kasi di kita kayang paglaruan.
6. “Apoy ka ba? Kasi alab yu.” and “Bigote ka ba? Kasi ahet yu.”
7. Ketchup ka ba? Kasi kailangan ka ng hotdog ko.
8. Google ka ba? Kasi lahat ng hinahanap ko na sa yo na.
9. Password ka ba? Kasi di kita puwedeng kalimutan, pero puwede kitang palitan.
10. Czechoslovakia ka ba? Kasi ang hirap mong i-spellingin eh.

11. Freezer ka ba? Kasi pinapatigas mo ko eh.
12. iPad ka ba? Kasi mas malaki Angry Bird mo.
13. Utot ka ba? Kasi di kita basta-basta pwedeng pakawalan eh.
14. Superman ka ba? Kasi superMANHID ka!
15. Taga-FEU ka ba? Kasi tama-raw na ibigin kita.
16. Unggoy ka ba? Kasi parang kanina mo pa gustong isubo yung saging ko eh.
17. Manananggal ka ba? Kasi hinahanap ko yung better half ko eh.
18. Manok ka ba? Kasi parang gusto mong upuan mga itlog ko eh.
19. Magician ka ba? Kasi naaaliw ako sa yo kahit alam kong lokohan lang to.
20. School ka ba? Kasi ang sarap mong pasukan eh.
21. Holdaper ka ba? Kasi handa akong ibigay sa iyo lahat, wag mo lang akong sasaktan.
22. Shades ka ba? Kasi nagdidilim paningin ko pag nakikita kita eh.
23. Ligaw na bala ka ba? Kasi sa iba ka nakalaan, pero ako ang tinamaan.
24. Halaman ka ba? Kasi paa mo puro ugat.
25. Tindera ka ba ng sigarilyo? Kasi, you give me HOPE and MORE.
26. Straw ka ba? Kasi hindi ka lang sipsip, plastic ka pa!
27. Pelikula ka ba na hindi dumaan sa MTRCB? Kasi UNCUT ka eh.
28. Tricycle ka ba? Kasi baka pwedeng pasakay naman, hanggang labasan lang.
29. Pangalan ba kita? Kasi sino nalang ako pag nawala ka?
30. Telephone directory ka ba? Kasi ang kapal mo eh!
31. Etits ka ba? Kasi ang tigas ng ulo mo eh!
32. Samsung Galaxy Tab ka ba? Kasi 7 inches ka eh.
33. Ulan ka ba? Kasi nawe-wet ako pag dumadaan ka.
34. Palengke ka ba? Kasi cheap ka na, mabaho ka pa!
35. EDSA ka ba pag Holy Week? Kasi ang luwang mo eh!
36. Kape ka ba? Kasi maitim ka na, bitter ka pa!
37. Sementeryo ka ba? Kasi matigas na kaya puwede nang ibaon.
38. Kandila ka ba? Kasi ang sarap mong i-blow eh.
39. Fire exit ka ba? Kasi ang sarap mong labasan eh.
40. Out of school youth ka ba? Kasi wala kang class.
41. Gym ka ba? Kasi Feeling ko magwo-workout tayo eh.
42. Tindera ka ba ng prutas? Kasi gusto ko mag-pakwan eh.
43. Mahirap ka bang exam? Kasi mukhang sa yo ako babagsak eh.
44. Toyomansi ka ba? Kasi ang sarap mo sa tilapia ko eh.
45. Number 1 ka ba? Kasi ako 68, pag pinagsama, 69 tayo!

Meron ka pa bang ibang lines?
I-Share mo yan. Comment na! ;D

Two Engineering Students

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

 The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit you."

The Professional Doctor

One day, a male patient went to see a doctor about his condition:

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.
"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."


"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.


Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling,
Then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.


"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"




"It's swollen…"


XD

Too much zombie movies

Baby + Zombie movies = Brainless Cats

This happens when you let kids watch too many zombie movies...

Top 10 Famous Tagalog Funny Lines

1. Lego - Paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa iyo?


2. Snatcher - you never know what you have till you lose it.
and once you lose it, you can never get it back!


3. Tae - Wala naman akong ginawa sa kanya! Hindi na nga ako gumagalaw dito. Ako na nga yun natapakan, siya pa un galit... bakit ganun?


4. Ipis - Alam mo ba wala akong ibang hinangad kundi ang mapalapit sa iyo.
pero patuloy ang pag-iwas mo. :(


5. Electric fan - pinapaikot mo lang ako Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti pang patayin mlo na lang ako!


6. TV - Ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka mahirap ba talagang makontento sa isa? bakit palipat-lipat ka?


7. Gasolina - "Ayoko na! pag nagmamahal ako lagi na lang maraming tao ang nagagalit! wala ba akong karapatang magmahal?!"


8. Libag - pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik ako!


9. Deodorant - Sige kalimutan mo ako para malaman ng iba ang baho mo!


10. Bola - Sawang sawa na ako palagi nalang akong pinagpapasa-pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako!



11. Hipon - Hala! sige magpakasasa ka! Alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol mo.

12. Majinboo - Hindi lahat ng pink, KIKAY!

13. Napkin - Anong kasalanan ko sayo? Bakit iniwan mo nalang akong duguan...

14. Kulangot - wag mo na akong bilugin...

15. Plema - Hindi lahat ng green ay masustansya.

16. Utot - Hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako'y sayo. Ayoko ko lang na harap harapan mo akong dinedeny sa harap ng maraming tao!

17. Brief - Punyetang Buhay to! Itlog, itlog! Araw araw na lang itlog!

18. Winnie d'pooh - hindi lahat ng walang salawal ay bastos.

19. Kili kili - Hindi lahat ng maasim may vitamin c.

20. Pigsa - Hindi lahat ng hinog, matamis...


.

Applied Mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but
Married men are a lot more willing to die.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.